I found out in June of 2005 I was pregnant at 42. I wasn't supposed to have any more children. Due to scarring and surgeries from endometriosis. I was preparing for a second marriage, working two jobs, raising a teenager, and playing softball for two teams. I had been dating John*(not his real name) for two years after a divorce from my first husband. I was feeling off. I was thinking I was starting early menopause or maybe even cancer, since I was bleeding very irregularly. I decided to go to the doctor, and she told me I was pregnant. She thought I was miscarrying. She sent me for an immediate ultrasound. There I saw you for the first time. You were about 10 weeks old. Not long after, at my first obgyn appointment, the doctor asked me if I wanted to abort you. No, I was sure God had a reason for both of us. I was in shock but I knew, I would see this thru. John was thrilled, his family lost so. They were very possessive of him, and didn't want change in his life or theirs. ...
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Your Birthday.
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Yesterday was your 13th birthday. My teenager. I read you your favorite books, including The Night Before Christmas. We listened to Barney and Friends. Another burial was taking place. I felt for the family putting their loved one to rest. It was cold. I missed you so very much. It certainly isn't getting any easier. It feels harder. I miss your presence more than ever. It's almost Christmas and I could care less.
And so it begins.
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I was told this day would come. I was warned multiple times. I tried to put it out of my mind, but it was always in the back of my mind. Part of me tried to be realistic, part of me wanted to not believe it. So, the day you passed away is still hard for mr to accept. I struggle daily without you. I miss everything about you. I miss your little hand in mine. Your funny little sense of humor. I miss the good things and the bad days. I miss all of it. I know it's selfish, but even on the bad days we had hope of better. Now there's no hope. What will it take to overcome such an overwhelming hole in my life?